What If All America Were Like California?

If America worked like California, America would have guaranteed paid vacation, bihourly breaks, and workman’s comp for the caregivers down at The Babysitters Club Local 427. If America worked like California, our naked masses would be welcomed into our McDonaldses — provided they lay towels between their undercarriages and the plastic bucket seats — but toys would be forbidden in their Happy Meals. If America worked like California, every home would have an obligatory compost pile, and none would have puppies from pet shops. If America worked like California, the legality of fireplace usage would vary by day per “Spare the Air” edicts, and the reading of the Gospels with four or more friends would require a conditional-use permit. And if all of America were absorbed by the Sacramento Commissariat, all of America would have A.B. 32, the Golden State’s ambitious carbon-curbing initiative, and all Americans would be wearing dumb smiles as we marched over the edge into an economic abyss.

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